Lose Yourself
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: Becker has another conversation with Father Ferrick seeking confirmation and approval for his desire to marry Jess. The next in my Breakable series, this follows after "Between Stimulus and Response"


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"_Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight."_ -Marilyn French

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"I'm buggered," Hilary Becker said with a mournful shake of his head.

Father Kellan Ferrick laughed at him, a rich rolling sound that echoed off the stone buildings surrounding the courtyard earning him a curious look from one or two of the passing students. He slipped a finger under the edge of his Roman collar, giving it a sharp tug in a reflexive gesture that Hilary remembered all too well from his student days. It was one of those rare late June days that had turned close and humid already and it was barely yet 10 am.

Becker's twice weekly visit with Father Ferrick was a bit later today than usual. He'd taken the morning off to give Jess a lift to her doctor's office to finally have the cast removed from her leg as well as having her weekly physiotherapy appointment. Expecting that Jess would be exhausted by the time he picked her up again, Becker had planned to drive her back to her flat and see her settled again before going in to the ARC for work. Lester's lips had twitched up into a half smirk when he'd noted that Becker's requested absence coincided with Jess' but otherwise he'd stayed silent on the matter.

For the moment, Becker had an unspoken truce with Lester where Jess was concerned. Becker and Jess carefully kept their relationship out of the workplace and Lester continued to turn a blind eye to the subject of whether or not Becker and Jess were bending the rules regarding fraternization.

Becker turned his attention back to Father Ferrick. He'd been hoping for enlightenment but it appeared that today he was doomed to get nothing more than devil's advocacy from the old priest.

"Please, Kellan," he pleaded, "I'm deadly serious. It's getting worse. I feel far too much like Saint Augustine for comfort."

"I'm not sure I see a problem, Hilary. You know you want to marry the girl, you've as much as admitted that. So, why the resistance? If your body, heart, and soul are all in agreement, there should be no hesitation."

"I just don't want to make a mistake. I love her more than reason, but I want to be sure I'm truly ready for this before I propose."

"And you're asking me for advice?" Father Ferrick laughed again.

He mused that he'd been right all those years ago; the younger man was as suited to a life in body armour as he'd been unsuited to the clergy. It was a rare experience as a priest to send away one of his students and be proven so entirely right in having done so.

"Hilary, it's the height of irony for you to ask my advice on that subject given my vows. How could I possibly be fit to counsel you as to whether or not you are ready for marriage?"

"It's your duty as a priest to provide counsel of this sort to your parishioners, "Becker shot back with indignation.

"A privilege that you gave up quite some time ago," Father Ferrick returned easily, taking no offence at the aggressive tone.

"Then where am I to go? How am I to be sure?"

Becker rose to his feet to pace the walkway in front of his former mentor and ran one hand through his hair in frustration. Realizing with irritation the gesture he'd made, so like his own father, Becker shoved his hands back into his pockets, finding with comfort the beads of the old rosary that had been a constant companion since shortly after Jess' accident.

"Religion aside, let's try to look at this rationally, Hilary," Father Ferrick said with a sigh. "Do you love her?"

Becker stopped pacing and turned to face the other man, his face open and earnest.

"Yes. I'm sure that I've felt this way for far longer than I've admitted, but yes, at this point, I love her without a doubt."

"Do you desire her physically?" Father Ferrick asked astutely.

Becker flushed, refusing to meet the priest's eyes as he responded.

"These days just the sight of her leaves me distracted. It's harder and harder every time we see each other to send her away."

"Bollocks, boy, that's just romantic drivel. Let's be blunt, now."

Becker took a deep breath but still refused to look up from his hands that fidgeted ceaselessly with the rosary he'd pulled out of his pocket.

"Kissing her brings me close to whiting out, just from the rush of feeling her lips, her body pressed against mine."

Father Ferrick chuckled. It seemed that even when asked to be blunt, Hilary Becker could no more use explicit language than he could have given up his commission.

"In which case my dear boy, this gets us right back to religion and a conversation we had a few months ago. First Corinthians says, it is good to live a celibate life but because there is so much sexual immorality, it is better to marry than be tempted by sin."

Becker gave him a wry grin. His mind was quite obviously already made up and something in the set of Becker's eyes looked hopeful and at peace. The fact that he'd sought out his former mentor for approval was touching. But their recent time together had taught the older man that Becker was far too susceptible to making his choices based on the approval of others. It was time for the young captain to finally follow his own desires instead.

One of the things Father Ferrick treasured most about their renewed friendship was seeing how hard Becker had worked to craft his life into something of his own choosing. Ultimately that more than anything else was what made the priest certain that his young friend was prepared for marriage. Without this girl in his life, Becker might never have had the courage to complete the process of tearing down the inhibitions placed inside his head by his parents. For love of his Jess, Becker had willingly broken the person he'd been raised to be that he might rebuild himself into a better man.

~~oOOo~~

"_The spiritualization of sensuality is called love: it is a great triumph over Christianity." _-Friedrich Nietzsche

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End file.
